Turning 40 and the ghosts of Christmas past

In literally two minutes I will become forty. Officially middle aged, over the hill, two twenties, black balloons and streamers in one hand and a bottle of Viagra in the other. For most people this is the time of reflection. Well, I’m tired of looking at mine! All I see is my mother’s face staring back at me. Along with laugh lines, crow’s feet, closed pores and enough bags under my eyes to choke a Virgin Air Bus. But what are you going to do; you can’t go back you can only press on and drink heavily (I quit smoking, I gotta do something.) But the past does come back to haunt you.

That’s been happening to me quite a bit lately, old ghosts from my past coming back to haunt me. Not in that, “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” type way but in people and memories, good and bad.

Not too long ago the x-bf started dating again. This would be all well and good but we still live together (long story… it involves leases and my own stupidity but I digress.) A certain feeling began to stir up inside me knowing he was out and about. The same feeling a use to get when I was a little kid and my Mom would leave for a night out or when “friends” use to tell me to meet them somewhere and no one would show up. You get that lump caught in your throat that doesn’t allow you to cry no matter how much you want to. Or that pit in your stomach that acts as a constant reminder you’ve tossed aside once again and your feelings mean nothing. I told you some of it was bad; don’t look so shocked! But this same feeling reminds you as adult that there is only so much shit you’re going to take. Even though in the beginning you feel as if you’re ten years old again, you grow up pretty fast. You grab a hold of that pit in your stomach and lump in your throat and turn them inside out. You screw up your strength and let loose on the person who dare make you feel this way again. But in the end you realize you may have hurt someone who didn’t deserve it because the person who did wasn’t around. Not to say in this case it wasn’t deserved, but for future reference I might want to take it down a notch. It amazes me how the most unexpected thing people will do or say will trigger a response long thought to be tucked away in a dark corner of my mind.

Recently some people I haven’t seen in years have been coming out of the woodwork in the unexpected places. One appeared in my workplace as a client, another I met at a local bar and one more I met at my neighbors wedding not to long ago. Just a few weeks ago two of my friends from college came to stay with me. One flew in from Atlanta and stayed the week; the other drove in from Syracuse for the weekend. We were all art majors in college. We were young, creative, adventurous and bold. Now days we’re tired, approaching middle age (some of us already there), safe and corporate. But the funny thing is these people, reminded me of what I use to be and made me face what I’ve become. They brought back some of my passion and help steer me in a new direction. Granted, at some points during this visit they drive me totally NUTS! But I think that’s what I needed, I needed people who knew me when to say, “Remember how we use to…” or “I can never forget the time…” to knock me out of my slump. Sometimes it takes people and memories to remind you what you could do and what you can do. And for that I am truly grateful.

My ghosts of Christmas past have come and gone for now. And like Scrooge they have taught me the true meaning of Christmas….PRESENTS! There had better be some good one dammit! If you can’t afford a gift just give me whatever cash is in your wallet. I’m turning forty for Christ sake! Excuse while I eat a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, slip under the covers and wait to die. Good night folks!