Shit floats, cream curdles.

I’ve worked for large corporations for a very long time. I mean, a VERY long time (shoot me.) There are a couple of lessons I’ve learned. Lesson # 1 all major corporations should have a big sign at the entrance of their building saying “SUSPEND ALL REALITY YE WHO ENTER.” Lesson # 2, shit floats to the top.

I heard my first corporate lie when I was 17. Ironically, at about the same time I encountered my first corporate “chuck common sense out the window” act of stupidity. When I was 16 I started working as a stock boy for a locally owned chain of department stores. A year later the same company who, at the time, owned K-Mart and other chains bought out this Mom and Pop department store chain. Immediately, the employees and customers in my little town were in a tizzy. This store had been a staple in our community for decades. This is where kids got their first jobs, girls bought prom dresses and little old ladies didn’t have to drive to the city to find decent, affordable clothing. This store also employed several women who needed their job to supplement their already tight incomes. What were we to do? I worries were put to ease when someone from the corporate head quarters flew to tell us we weren’t closing. “Why would we close this store?” he said. “You’re the biggest money maker in the region!” We all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Three months later the store was closed.

I was part of the clean up crew to prepare the store for the new owners. A new home and garden store was moving into our space. It was going to be all 2 x 4’s, picnic tables, and lawnmowers from now on. As I was moving some of the clothing racks onto the company moving truck, my boss asked to do him a favor. Well, it’s not really a favor if you’re getting paid, now is it? He asked if I would vacuum all the carpets in the store before the end of the day. Remember, there is a home and garden store moving in. Tall iron racks and CEMENT FLOORS! They were going to tear up the carpet the next day! “Why am I doing this?” I snapped. What the hell? It was my last day, what do I have to lose? His explanation to me was, “So “we” can make a good impression on the new tenants.” Ok, everyone who thinks this makes no sense raise his or her hands. It didn’t make any sense to me and I was a dumb teenager at the time. But looking back, little did I know this was preparing me for the long stupid journey that lay ahead.

It still amazes me looking back how much stupidity, hypocrisy, and down right things that make you go “What the fuck!?” exists in the American workplace. Larger corporations are riddled with this kind of moronic behavior and the morons who perpetrate it!

One of the more ridiculous acts involved an old co-worker of mine who had to create a PowerPoint presentation to outlining to his boss what it was that he did for the company. This was a man when I worked with him was there by 8am and didn’t leave until his work was done for the day. That day sometimes ended at 3am. Now the boss had no doubt in his mind what the guy who sat next to my friend did for the company. Why? Because he spent most of his time generating paperwork outlining what he did or shall we say didn’t do for that day; then would forward a copy of that report to his boss and the end of the workweek. Needless to say, that guy is now my buddy’s boss.

Now in the past (and present) I have had bosses who had such a grasp of corporate lingo that it flowed from the tongues like honey; but at the same time dumped a load of bullshit onto those of us who they were saying it to.

One boss was like a traffic cop; to answer any question I had for her she would point me toward one person or another away from her office fro the answer. In the business world this is called “delegation.”

Another boss of mine told me one day that I was talking too much. So I shut up and continued on with my work. A few minutes later he came over to me and asked “Why are you so quiet?”

I actually had one boss sit me down to talk about my negative attitude because I used the word “no”. He told me I needed to learn to say “no” without really saying “no.” “How would I do that?” I asked. He began to throw phrases at me like, “I’ll see what I can do.” “I’ll try to get to it today.” Or my personal favorite “My time is restricted right now. But I’ll look it over and get back to you.” Could someone pinpoint for me when the word “no” became so devastating to people that we had to replace it?

I asked another boss a question, which she SHOULD have had the answer. Her response to me was, “I’m clueless.” And proceeded to snap her gum and surf the web.

These just a few examples of the shit I’m talking about that floats to the top. It’s like a grown up version of high school. They’re like that one bad kid teachers promote right up through grades 1, 2, 3 and so on. Pass him (or her) along. Next year they’ll become someone else’s problem.

The cream I’m referring to are the smart people mired in all of this. The people who care about doing a good job, the people who care about making a good product, and the people whose spirits get trampled on the most. They are the people who do most of the work and receive little of the credit. They are the people who become old, bitter, and cynical before their time, who become apathetic to their situation, and who finally lose the fire they once had. The lucky ones get out and if they are very lucky find something they love to do. That’s IF they’re lucky. I’ve seen too many good people go from full of life to full of crap (or empty) in the blink of an eye. I pray one day they will be released from the prison they are in and find the freedom of expression they desire; a place where being smart is not considered a bad thing. Keep fighting, don’t give up, and don’t allow your soul to be sucked out by the fluorescent lights or stupidity.