When all around you are losing their heads….

I had a panic attack last week. I couldn’t tell exactly when last week but it came on sometime early in the morning and didn’t end until around noon. I’m not usually prone to these attacks. As a matter of fact, I have had only one other recently and before that the last one was over 11 years ago. For those of you who have never experienced one imagine you’re drowning. You want to scream but you can’t. You want to run but you can’t. Panic sets in and your mind is racing so fast you can’t hold a cognitive thought in your head. You get sweats, you can’t understand what’s going on around you and it feels like everything around you is falling apart. While all of this is happening you have to dig deep and find some way to function because you have to get up, go to work, and function without outwardly fall to pieces. More people than you know feel like this every day. At least more people that I know.

As I said before I had only had one other episode recently and the last one before that was over 11 years ago. It was when I first graduated college and I had a job doing data entry. I would be sitting there inputting numbers and I would begin to sweat, shake, my heart and mind would start to race. What brought this on is more than likely the same thing that brought on these last couple of attacks is the past couple of weeks, fear. I’m afraid that this is it. Mostly I’m referring to my job or career. Currently, I have a job that pays well but is not even close to what I want to be doing. Every once in a while, you’re sitting there doing what you’re doing for work and you begin to look down that tunnel which is the rest of your life. You start to panic because for the moment you see no change and no options. You feel trapped and see no way out of your current situation. As much as you know this is not true the irrational fear has already taken over and it’s picking up speed. Luckily for me I have a way to let go of some of that anxiety. I can either write it or draw it out. I spilled out all of the thoughts running through my head onto paper and I began to feel better. Here is what I wrote.

“Why do I feel as if I’m losing control of everything? My life, my job, my relationship; it’s like my head has taken on a life of its own. Why do I feel this way? Nervous, anxious, paranoid, why? There is no logical basis for it. Confusion, shortness of breathes; why do I feel this way? It’s almost like a constant panic, but not. My hand writing seems hurried and off lately. I feel like I want to yell and scream, throw things and run away but I don’t know why. I’m scared. I’m afraid that this is it. Even though I want more but there is no more. But there has to be more! I know what I want but why am I afraid to work for it? Why am I so afraid? What is there to be afraid of? Fear. Someone once told me that I’m afraid to try because my talent makes up so much of me that if I fail, I won’t know who I am anymore. Then I will be trapped for all eternity.

I feel better now.”

Things are better now and I’m working on making my work situation better. It’s time to change it up! And the only one who can do that is me.

Now for some good news! We’re new uncles! Welcome Sierra Dawn!