There is NO Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

I’ve never been a Halloween person. I don’t know why I just never have. Even when I was a little kid I never really looked forward to dressing up or going out in to the cold to mooch candy from strangers. It didn’t make sense to me. Of course at that time my grandmother ran a diner where I had access to unlimited ice cream, donuts and soda. Why would I knock on doors for free food that was bad for me? I already had that!

Even now the holiday doesn’t hold any significance for me. On Halloween night I have no candy; I turn off my porch light and I DO NOT dress up…period! I will attend an odd Halloween party now and again but I’m really only there for the beer and food. The closest I come to any sort of holiday festivity is watching Hocus Pocus or The Charlie Brown Halloween special. Maybe I’ll carve a pumpkin but unlikely. This is probably an affront to my people who are reading this now. Halloween is a high holy day to the gays. Of course the gay community love any excuse to have a party hence the black, white, red and green parties. Don’t ask me to explain them even I lose track of what they all mean. Oddly enough this a holiday where to purpose is to dress up and be anything you want but they chose to wear as little clothing as possible. Or dress up as their favorite female gay icon. Just once I would like to see a homosexual dress up as George Bush not George Bush after an S & M encounter. All Hallows Eve is supposed to be the night the veil between the living and the dead is lifted and the dead can roam the earth. I guess it’s just me but I’d rather not face possible demonic possession or ghostly contact dressed as Bette Midler or a giant banana.

By the way, I also poo-poo any pumpkin beer, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin shakes or any sort of pumpkin related product people salivate over this time of year. It seems like as soon as the leaves start to turn everyone turns into Pavlov’s dog. I love autumn as much as the next guy but pumpkins should be raised to royalty status whenever fall rolls around. Let’s save that for the turkey at Thanksgiving.

So just a friendly warning to all: keep your costumed children away from my house. If you do knock even with the porch light off (it’s happened) don’t expect to me to answer. If you do invite me to a Halloween party DO NOT expect me to dress up (outside of a “This is my costume” t-shirt.) Finally, if I’m at your bar don’t even think of offering me whatever pumpkin brew you have on tap that you have been trying to push since mid-August. With that being said prank are open season. So watch your trees for toilet paper, windows for soap and if you hear the doorbell ring then smell smoke or something funky…well you know. JUST KIDDING! Maybe.