RUBBER NECK!

My date with Ben & Jerry

One of the hardest things about a break-up is not divvying up things you have collected together of the years or feeling the emptiness on the other side of the bed you both shared; which, by the way, the cat has gleefully claimed as his own. It’s those times when your formerly significant other has plans for the evening (weekend, etc.) and you don’t. This feeling of loserdom is double for me because the x-bf and I still share house. Please don’t ask why he’s still here, it’s way too complicated. Even I don’t understand it most of the time. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. Moving on!

You can’t ignore that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach you have while you watch him prance about the house happily getting ready for a night out on the town. In the meantime, your plans consist of flipping through channels at high speed trying to find one non-reality based TV show, deciding which pizza topping you’re in the mood for and watching the cat chase invisible things through out the house, all the time looking at you like. “What? You don’t see them? They’re everywhere!” This was my Saturday night.

I did have several generous offers from most, if not, all my friends to come and visit them anytime I wanted. It was a very kind and wonderful gesture from all of them. But I chose to go it alone. For as loving as my friend’s offer was, I had to do this on my own. And I knew there would be a time down the road when they would all be busy with their own lives and I would have nowhere to go. I chose to endure this part of the break-up now rather than later. I had to deal with the situation rather than run away from it. So I did what any self-respecting gay man would have done when faced with such a circumstance. I went shopping.

You see the x-bf was having his friends meet him at the house before their evening out. The last thing I wanted to do that night was to put on a dog and pony show for guests. Pretending like nothing had happened, sitting through snippets of polite conversation followed by long, drawn out moments of awkward silence. I just as soon open a Quizno’s in Fallujah than sit through that. So I grabbed my keys, my wallet and left.

After a not so quick trip to Barnes & Noble and Wegmans grocery store to pick up my date for the evening (i.e. Ben AND Jerry.) I made my way home. Trying to take the longest route possible as not to hurry back. The only thing worse than being there when his guests arrived, is walking in the middle of everyone laughing and having a good time knowing you’re not a part of it. Luckily, when I arrived home the place was empty. The only sign they had been there were empty cocktail glasses with swizzle sticks by the sink. I unpacked the ice cream and the book I had bought and settled down in the living room. I turned the TV on, opened the ice cream and prepared myself for a quiet evening at home. Even with the cats by my side the house felt empty. I would have to get use to this because after the x-bf moves out this is how it’s going to feel for while. But I have done it before and I can do it again. All it’ll take is a little hope, a little strength, support of good friends and A LOT of Ben & Jerry’s.

Split down the middle.

Yeah, I don't get it either. I thought it was clever at the time. That's the last time I listen to those other voices. Hear that fellas!?

Licking my wounds.

Whoever said, “The more things change the more they stay the same” was full of shit! Sometimes they change for the better; sometimes for the worst. Most of the time they change when you least expect it. Change hits you like a speeding freight train and when change happens things are never the same again.

Some of you may or may not have heard that ‘The BF’ and I are breaking up. It was totally unexpected but it was a long time in coming. The break up played out as usual, some one did the breaking and the other one fell apart. It’s not important who did what to whom, there was no infidelity or tension between us, which caused our split.

There is quite a gap in our ages (fourteen to be exact) and the x-BF was extremely shelter. He needs to live out in the world for a while to learn how it works first hand. I've seen how it works and there is only so much I can teach him. I understand this is something that has to be done but you can't help but feel empty knowing the person that you've spent the last three and a half years with won't be around anymore (or at least not in the same way.) We just reached that fork in the road where we had to take different paths. I guess for me though it was more like I was riding bike on the path, looked away for a moment and didn’t see the tree. But I will eventually dust myself off and get back on my bike but next time I’ll keep my eyes open and be on the look out for other trees.

At first it was a lot to take one time, it seemed like the life I had known and thought I would have for years to come all came crashing down at once. One friend left to go back home to her native country, leaving her husband behind and the rest of us not knowing how that story was going to end. Another close couple temporarily split up to see if wanted to stay together. While other close friends moved away to the suburbs. Granted they are only 12 minutes away by car but sometimes it seems as if they’ve moved to Paris. I was trying to start a new career with no success to date and I was staring down the barrel of forty. Needless to say, it seemed as if my whole world was crumbling and I couldn’t catch the pieces fast enough to put them back together or the glue to make them stick.

With the universe caving in on me, the toughest part of the break up was yet to come. I had to tell my friends and family the x-BF and I were no longer going to be together. The thought of reliving that moment again and again was extremely painful and in some cases I put it off as long as I could. But with each telling I began to heal a little bit more. Some got an email, others I told in person. The response varied, some cried, some refused to accept it, some instantly began looking for my next BF and others drank to my new found freedom. But all in all I was thankful my friends were there to hold me up and to let me know everything will be OK. One friend in particular provided some sound advice, “For now, just revel in the company of you. Eat insensibly. Bunker yourself in with Netflix movies. “

Well, I had the eating insensibly part covered. I've spent the last few weeks in an ice cream, donut, pizza and potato chip induced coma. It was safer than drinking myself blind and more productive than spending three weeks in bed watching reruns of ‘The Golden Girls.’ But I'm pulling out of that now. I’ve started walking out into the sun again and decided life (in one form or another) has to go on. So it will be an education for me to re-learn all things I have forgotten about being on my own and to begin to grow again. It will be rough for a little while but it won't take me long to come up to speed of relying on myself. I will revel in the company of me, riding my bike with a firm grip on the handlebars and keeping watch for any trees on the path.

Anatomy of a Break-Up

Fear
Anxiety
Abandonment
Hysteria
Disbelief
Confusion
Desperation

Sadness
Loss
Grief
Remorse
Depression
Numbness
Existing

Regret
Confusion
Anger
Avoidance
Reluctance

Reminisce
Understanding
Acceptance
Excitement

Living