A Change is a Comin'...I Hope!

It’s been almost 2 years to the day since my last blog post. For most, if not all of that time I’ve not written a thing or at least nothing for myself (school doesn’t count.) Desire to write wasn’t the issue. I just needed to take a break to focus changing my life.

One of those things was picking up and moving to Colorado. I had been talking about it for quite a while and I finally decided to jump off the 1,400 + mile cliff straight into Fort Collins without how deep the water is. At first it was an exciting thought, picking up and moving to a new place. The feeling of blazing a trail to a new destiny, forging new friendships and riding off into a bright new future… that’s BULLSHIT! Because as the deadline came closer and closer the more I began to think this has got to be the WORST idea I have EVER had! It’s a completely TERRIBLE idea to pick up and leave everything and everyone I know behind with no job at age 46! But I did it and I can’t turn back now (as much as I’d like to sometimes.) Now that I’ve done it I keep thinking back to the exchange between the characters Katherine and Frances in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun:

Katherine: It's a nice little villa. Rather run down, but redeemable. Are you going to buy it?
Frances: No, no, no. I'm, I'm just a tourist. Here for the day.
Katherine: So?
Frances: Well, I mean who wouldn't want to buy a villa in Tuscany. But, uh, the way my life's been going, that would be a terrible idea.
Katherine: Terrible idea. Mm... Don't you just love those?

In a way Katherine is right. Most things that are worthwhile started out as terrible ideas in someone’s eyes like the light bulb, the airplane, the internet, Guardians of the Galaxy. Most of my friends and family said I was brave for making such a huge life change. I got news for you it doesn’t feel brave at the time. It feels like you’ve been slugged square in the stomach repeatedly by a shark that is about to eat you. Your emotions run uncontrollably from calm to panic to sadness to anxious and your nerves are shot because you’ve dropped yourself into unknown territory where you’re wandering around like a freshman in high school. Crying comes when you least expect it and you feel the most alone you’ve felt in a crowd full of people. It’s especially hard when you’ve left someone special behind the way I did. On top of all that add in someone ripping out your still beating heart and throwing it away. So you start to think, out of this shit something GREAT is supposed to happen? Oddly enough it does because it’s your only option. The other choice I had was to stick with a job I hated which was destroying my very soul. Sticking with what’s familiar, not taking a risk and forever wondering “What if?” Fortune favors the bold they say. Well, we’ll see about that.

So here I sit in my new town in a pub with a beer next to me writing about the change and life anew I was dreaming about almost 2 years ago. Back then I never thought it would happen but I’ve taken the first step by making that dream into a reality of change. Now comes the tough part, making that reality sustainable. No one ever said change was easy and I may not know what I’m doing at first I also may fail at some things along the way. But I know this I do miss everyone I left behind (especially that one special person who I think about and chat with everyday.) I wish this was an easier transition to a better future but anything worth something doesn’t come without struggle. And that this is something that HAD to be done. In the meantime, all I can do is keep trying, find my way around and stick it out to see where this path takes me. A beer or two doesn’t hurt the journey either...just sayin'.