Full Circle.

I turn forty-five today. I started writing this while sitting in a hippie-esque coffee shop in Boulder with a view of the Rocky Mountains with rain gently falling outside. But that didn’t work for me. So I moved to a traditional Irish pub just a few blocks away. With a pint next to me this seemed like the more natural setting to pandering where I am and how I got here.

Before landing in Boulder I spent some time in Fort Collins visiting friends and exploring my options for the future. One day while a friend of mine and I were commiserating about our love lives (or lack thereof) over slushies intentionally laced with alcohol we got on to the subject of birthdays. Her philosophy around birthdays is in my view brilliant; she feels that her birthday is a chance to wipe the slate clean of the previous year and start fresh. I think this is an EXCELLENT idea and I quickly adopted it.

So it seems fitting to be in Colorado around this time because it brings a less than stellar year full circle. I was here last year when an important turning point in my life began. Who knew a short trip out west would be the tiny pebble that would unleash an avalanche of shit that would last for the better part of a year. When I came out here last summer I had no expectations for anything that may happen. My heart apparently had different plans in mind and it paid the price for speaking its truth to someone whom I thought was special. I was wrong and my heart was shattered. Like the saying goes, “Never give all the heart.” I did and lost.

Crushed I flew back home in hopes of finding support in someone I’ve always counted on in my time of need. I was greeted with that expectation when I got home but it fell short and quickly dissipate as time went on. I didn’t know it yet but I was beginning to learn that you can’t give all of yourself to people who you think will return it your loyalty and love. Most of the time they won’t, they’re too wrapped up in themselves and what feels good at the moment to see the hurt they cause or accept the truth.
Soon after those two experiences I began my mourning period of friendships that were soon to all but disappear. But life likes to test our endurance sometimes to see just how much we can take without breaking. So it decided to kick me while I was already down and have more friendships fade into oblivion. As I started my mourning period other friends came to me to announce their disappointment in me and my actions. As twisted as their logic was to come to the conclusion that I was a horrible person, it still hurt. It was life dropping a piano on me as I’m walking down a sidewalk on a stormy day. These people tried to save face by telling me they still wanted to be friends but there were conditions attached. I didn’t think friendships came with conditions. I thought friends were accepting of you warts and all. I guess I was wrong about that too. So I removed myself from that equation; more friendships dead and gone.

At the point where I didn’t think I couldn’t go any deeper life intervened again. But this time I was faced with a life or death situation involving a friend who had been loyal to me and loved me unconditionally, my cat. Since I felt more alone than I had since grammar school I didn’t feel there was anyone I could turn to help me get through this. So I faced putting (what felt like my only friend at the time) to death. My friend who was always there, who always loved me was now gone and now it was just me. Or at least that’s how it felt.

Even now it’s difficult to relive this last year by telling this story but as part of closing the circle it has to be done. I spent most of the last year in a mourning period. I didn’t want to establish close relations with people and I certainly didn’t want to let anyone in. I spent a long period just going through the motions of life and not living at all. Luckily I was going to school at the time so that was a great excuse to avoid any sort of human contact outside of my comfort zone. Bars, even though they’re full of people most of the time are a great place to be alone. It’s like an unwritten rule if you’re sitting at a bar alone, people leave you alone. But if you do feel you want to engage others it’s usually just on an acquaintance level. I wasn’t in the mood to invest in anything more than that. My armor was on and it wasn’t coming off anytime soon.

When you become a hermit it gives you time to think, to reflect on much of your life. I did a lot of that during this time and came to a conclusion about myself. I was tired of being the strong one. I was done. Looking back on my life I spent most of the time being there for other people but when the time came no one was there for me. I was the organizer, I was the shoulder to cry on, I was the guy who would tell it to you straight, I was the good time guy quick with a joke or sarcastic come back. Well, those days were over. I was done being that person. So I stopped calling people and venturing out on my own going to concerts, plays, traveling. I figured if they wanted to see me they knew my number or knew how to get a hold of me, they can contact me. The phone never rang with the exception of a very few people who actually wanted to spend time with me. But that group is a small one and I am thankful for all of them. Granted I do have moments of weakness where I text someone I shouldn’t but then I quickly regret ever doing it remembering how I was treated before. Sometimes what we want is not always good for us and we fall off the wagon once in a while.

So as I said before, it seems fitting that I would spend my birthday in Colorado where this tumultuous year began. I can’t say that I have completely healed from the past year and the armor is still on for most people but now I have a chance to close the book on this chapter. I have mourned my losses and now it’s time to move on. I can wipe the slate clean of this last year and start over again. Hopefully the next year will be a lot better than the old with the new person I’m becoming, new friends (maybe some old ones too) and new adventures. Happy Birthday to me!