Misery loves company.

Well, they say, “Misery loves company.” You know what I say to that? “This seat taken Misery?” “Buy you a beer?” Unlike most people now days, for me misery is a state of mind. A friend told me one time it was “part of my charm.” But because of my “negative”, yet realistic point of view, I’m looked upon as some sort of circus freak without a “can do” attitude. When called upon I do have a “can do” attitude but I don’t go blindly into something with a stupid smile on my face carrying pom-poms. I’m also not surprised (or saddened) when something doesn’t work but happy when it does.

Unfortunately thanks to the cult-like behavior of organized religion today (and a few made up ones, Scientology? Pul-leez!) The wave of “positive thinking” that has swept across the land has turned most people into shiny, happy zombies with cheerful outlooks and kitten-on-a-branch posters that say, “Hang in there!” They’ve been told The Secret, visited A New Earth and have been The Last Lectured into submission. It’s almost to the point where anyone with a “negative” opinion runs the risk of being stoned in the town square or having their car overturned in the parking lot by a troupe of life coaches.

Look, I realize that I’m miserable but does that make me wrong? I’m here to tell you misery, grumpiness and over all crankiness is not something to be ashamed of, it’s to be reveled in! Make it yours! Own it girlfriend! If at all possible spread it around or find someone who shares your somewhat apocalyptic view. Like I have, we’ll call her “Toaster.”

Toaster and I share a unique bond, when were down we don’t try to lift each other’s spirits and say things like, “It’ll be OK” or “Things will get better.” HELL NO! We say things like. “FUCK THEM! Or “ I’m going to make those bitches pay!” We don’t sit there and wonder why the world did us wrong! We plot world domination! We don’t drink green tea to relax or use aromatherapy to reduce stress! We go out, get drunk and find the people responsible for our misery so we can key their cars! (Not really, for any local law enforcement who might be reading this.) We don’t deny our miserable tendencies; we enjoy them! Oh hell we don’t just enjoy misery; we become intoxicated by it. We pour ourselves a big champagne glass of the dark elixir and swallow it in one gulp! After three or four magnums of misery we are as giddy as two drunken gravediggers playing “scare the shit out of passing motorists by throwing a corpse into the road.” Our deeply twisted imaginations run rapid with thoughts of revenge and human suffering. Thoughts dance in our heads of dartboards and half burned photos of the ex-lovers. Dreams float by like dark storm clouds of children who are seen and not heard because they are bound and gagged when their parents take them out into the public. And visions form in our mind’s eye of watching a space ship hurdling off into the distant sky loaded with the morons we have to tolerate on a daily, nay hourly basis; its heading and course…the sun!

Now before someone calls Homeland Security, your local law enforcement or your MOMMY, I’m not saying we would do any of these things. They are merely dark fantasies, which everyone has at one point or another. The only difference with us, they’re weekly. Good, bad or ugly they are still just thoughts. Thoughts to be freely expressed, however miserable or “negative” they are. Besides I’m usually a little more leery of people who are too happy or take everything in stride. They’re usually the ones who come into the office wearing a long coat on a warm day to hide the sawed off shotgun they’re going to use to mow everyone down. The people they interview who knew the shooter almost never say, “Well, he was always cranky and spoke of taking out an idiot or two on his way to work.” No no, they’re always the quiet ones who kept to themselves and always smiled and said, “Good Morning.” Now that’s CREEPY! No one gets a “Good Morning” from me until I’ve had at least two cups of coffee or they run the risk of losing a limb. So let your black flag of misery fly people! To hell with all the positive thinkers, let lose your negativity on an unsuspecting world! Who knows? Maybe it will open the eyes on blind faith and the world will be a better place.

Now go out and make someone cry!