Did you ever feel like someone was watching you?

Dear Potential Threat to National Security,

Hi! How are you?

We’d like to thank you for participating in the Pentagon’s Counterintelligence Field Activity “forced protection” program. You were selected from a long list of suspected terrorist provided to us by the Threat and Local Observation Notice operations group and Yahoo. Your name has been attached to several highly questionable organizations among them are Senior Citizens for a Lasting Peace and The Sierra Club.

As dedicated public servants we feel it is our duty to pass along some information we have gathered that you may have missed while you were off the premises. The events are listed below beginning with the most recent:

January 20, 2006, 21:37:55 pm-
A message was recorded on your home answering machine from an “Elaine” for your husband Charles. The message said, “Pay me the $50, 000 you old bastard or I’ll tell your wife everything.” Upon entry of the premises at 21:55pm, you quickly made your way to the nearest restroom. Charles played a quarter of the message and promptly deleted it.

January 10, 2006, 16:50:35pm-
A hooded figure drove up to your domain and exited their vehicle. They deposited a reptile into your mailbox, re-entered their vehicle and drove off. We traced the license plate. It was the Henderson boy. We have a file.

December 28, 2005, 23:40:16pm-
Thelma Wilson’s beagle urinated on your mechanical reindeer.

December 17, 2005, 13:05:10pm-
Your daughter pulled into your driveway and dented your automobile. She didn’t leave a note.

December 5, 2005, 10:00:36am-
Your husband allowed “volunteers” from Good Will into your home to pick up your “donation.”
NOTE: They were NOT from Good Will.

If you would like a list of these and other activities in or around your home, you may contact us by one of two ways. Dial “912” on your telephone and leave the receiver off the hook before going to bed. Or nail a sock to the outside of your front door. Using either method will guarantee a speedy delivery of 280 page surveillance report to your front step the next morning. Be aware certain items require a Level 4 security clearance or higher and may be blacked out.

Once again we thank you for your patriotism and participation in an on going government investigation of possible terrorist threats. We’ll see you around.

Sincerely,

Special Agent W. Itch Hunt